i thought we were friends

Dear Willy Wonka Candy Corporation:

I really hoped it wouldn't have to come to this, but I'm seriously at my breaking point. Your Sweet Tarts brand candy, a treasure of my childhood, has in the past decade committed so many wrongs that to remain silent would be criminal. The list of crimes against humanity perpetrated by your corporation is a long one, so in the interest of keeping things in order, I'll individually address the three most horrific ones, starting with today's egregious offense and working backwards. Let's begin:

1. I'm on my third fun-size sweet tart pack of the afternoon, and while I do appreciate that your fun packs contain a healthy amount of delicious tarts (especially compared to those ridiculously minuscule "fun" size candy bars perpetrated by the Mars and Nestle Corporations), I can't help but notice that after THREE packages - that's approximately 40 or so tarts - I have only encountered one pink and two purples, which are inarguably the best flavors. I don't want to even think about how many blue ones I've regrettably sucked down. And seriously, could you lighten up on the fucking greens already? Which brings me to my next issue.

2. What the fuck do you have against lime? Did you have some focus group that determined apple would be a better choice for the green color? And if so, was said focus group comprised of fucking retards who enjoy making children sad? 'Cause let me tell you, that green flavor fucking sucks ass. I remember when you all tried to sneak it in via chewy sweet tarts and thought no one would notice. Well I did, and I hate you all for it. And speaking of introducing new flavors...

3. This one goes back a long time, probably to when I was in elementary school, but seriously, that blue flavor sucks ass too. Given, it didn't take the place of any much-loved flavor, but it also left less room for delicious pinks, greens (oh how I miss you!), and purples. I guess people like it and all, but I consider this the moment when you lost your way Willy Wonka Candy Corporation. It brings a tear to my eye.

See guys? See how much you fucked up? Sure, there were some bright spots, particularly the introduction of gummy sweet tarts, which I can't find ANYWHERE anymore, and the christmas shapes that were awkwardly large and felt weird in your mouth but were still delicious (this, mind you, is back when green was GREEN), but overall, I'm really disappointed. It's not too late to change, Willy Wonka Candy Corporation, to make good on all the ills you've brought upon society. Do it for me, the boy who once had 4 cavities when he went to the dentist, the boy who has fond memories of decorating a gingerbread house with the christmas shapes, and if not for him, do it for, hell, I don't know, Darfur?

Sincerely,
Stuart