an open letter to the frito-lay corporation

Dear Assholes,

Salt. Vinegar. Two things in common: delicious AND basically devoid of any caloric content. So why can't you jerks combine the baked lay, possibly the world's most dissatisfying chip, with the wonder that is the relatively healthy coupling of salt and vinegar? Get off your fucking cheddar and sour cream high horse and give the people (read: me) what they really want you worthless bastards. And also, while you're at it, can you basically emulate every flavor manufactured by the Walkers? Or, barring that, just the borderline-orgasmic rosemary chicken flavor? That would be totally sweet, but then again, you fucking idiots probably couldn't get it right. I hate you.

Die,
Stuart

P.S. Also, the all-flavor chip? We want that too - fuck Canada!

P.P.S. In case you're confused - which is possible given that you're all morons - my signature should not be read as the German "The, Stuart," but rather as a wish that you lose your life due to your inability to create a satisfying baked lay. Fuck you all. Seriously.