DON'T PANIC (UPDATE: PANIC!!!)

UPDATE: According to sources close to the network - aka someone on the City Confidential forums (I'm so cool!) who wrote to them - the show will no longer be broadcast on A&E and will instead be aired on its sister Biography Channel, which of course I don't receive. The switch is likely related to audience disfavor of the new narrator, he of the double-headed dildo, and while I can't necesssarily disagree, my callous and cleverly phrased threat still stands. Even if it's Keith David narrating the fallout of the crime.

Being the nerd/TV addict that I am, every other Sunday I usually spend a good half hour on the TiVo reviewing and scheduling two weeks of programming. You know, the usual suspects - reruns of Law & Order, SVU, X-Files, Homicide, &c. - and totally faggy British stuff on PBS, eg Mystery! and Masterpiece theater. I also make it a point to peruse whatever documentaries are coming up (see above, re:nerd), and this is usually when I check out upcoming episodes of the beauty that is City Confidential, choosing which ones to record based on two important criteria: a. if the crime and/or city in question intrigues me, and b. what year it came out, as that bit of information can be used to determine if it's narrated by fellow homo Paul Winfield. As any fan of the show knows, City Confidential IS Paul Winfield, and I (and hopefully everyone else) was dismayed not only by his untimely passing in 2004 but also by his replacement, who reminds me, and anyone with a passing interest in film, of one-armed Jared Leto and a two-headed dildo. But I digress.

So three weeks ago, during my bi-weekly TiVo sesh, I was just finishing up when I realized hey, I don't remember scheduling City Confidential. At first I was unconcerned, thinking either I'd skipped by it accidentally or perhaps by some fluke it hadn't been included in the Documentaries subcategory. I immediately head to the manual lookup - C-I-T-Y - and, well, nothing. For the next two weeks, a show that is usually on like every fucking day was nowhere to be found. Impressively, I managed to stay calm. Stuart, I told myself, you certainly have enough episodes saved up to carry you through this unfortunate but most certainly temporary drought, just check back next week and I'm sure everything will be fine. So I did, and needless to say, it wasn't. Three weeks on, still nothing, nothing mentioned on the website and, perhaps most worrisome, nothing left on the TiVo. And now I'm pissed.

So listen up A&E, I'm sure you guys are having a blast with your Dog the Bounty Hunter and your Criss Angel: Mindfreak and your CSI: Miami (that Jonathan Togo is a sight for sore eyes indeed), but seriously, if you don't get your shit together and bring back City Confidential, I can give you good idea of the first place you'd expect a murder.

Your face.

Or somewhere in the immediate vicinity.

You've been warned.